Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – Yourself?
What’s your personal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy? [For my non-U.S. readers: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was the official US policy on how to deal with gays and lesbians in the military. It was repealed shortly after this article was written. In this article, I’m expanding the sense of the phrase beyond sexual politics, into spiritual politics.]
Are there big obvious parts of your being that you habitually squelch? To what vision of yourself do you turn a blind eye – or cringe in hope that others won’t see? What do you want to avoid being asked, at all costs?
It’s time to come out of our spiritual closets. Human evolution has progressed too far for us to stay in hiding. From sexual preference, to religious, philosophical, class, national, tribal and political preference, and even our choice of food, fashion and fun… we humans must embrace the yin-yang of our inner diversity as well as our unified wholeness.
But there’s lots of hiding places in our psyches, where da sun don’t shine. Time to let the light into the closet.
So how can you tell whether you’ve got a Don’t Tell spell that’s operating under cover of darkness? You observe the things you’re most defensive about, most reactive to. Defensiveness always hides something that needs defending, something that won’t stand on its own.
One foolproof way that I use to de-closet my crap, is to observe my mental arguments. For instance, I often find myself debating a straw man – a recurring, annoying, foe that resides in my mental chatterbox. He’s a skeptic, and he argues with me about why all this woo-woo stuff… like homeopathy and acupuncture… couldn’t possibly work. He’s obviously a part of my psyche that I’m still trying to convince, having grown up with mathematical-physics-professor father and biochemist mother.
Of course, it doesn’t make sense that I’d need to prove anything to any skeptic… I have daily experiential proof that this woo-woo stuff does work, really really well! But I must still be in some closet, somewhere, coz these arguments keep happening. And even now I still find myself a teeny tiny bit embarrassed to talk about what I do, in front of my old friends that knew me B.C. (Before the change).
So what’s my Don’t Ask Don’t Tell here? That I’m a snake-oil salesperson, and I’ll be subject to a Python-esque witch hunt? That I’ll fail at a critical moment, betraying trust and be flayed alive? Yep, mmm-hmmm, that feels about right. Irrational fear or traumatic resonance with the archetype of failure — I sure didn’t want to ask or tell myself about that!
I hereby ask myself: who am I and what am I?
I hereby tell myself: I am Infinite Self, and so is my snake-oil, my witch-hunter, my worst-case scenario. Ok, I’ve asked and I’ve told… what was untold before. I now submit these information patterns to the light, to be cleaned and cleared. I see that my worst fears are distinct and separate from my self.
Look ma, I’ve dropped the soap in the barracks shower, and yet I’m still intact!
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32 Comments
I would like to acknowledge that I am an atheist.
I have a fear of living fully and displaying all the talents and gifts that I have been given. I want to enjoy using my talents and gifts, singing, playing music, and acting at a full level. I think I am holding back because I think other people might not like me.
I hide my light.
I’ve been trying too hard for myself to overcome meth withdrawals and I continued to repeat the same mistakes. I also allowed myself to lower my life style and let all of the individuals I am still around control my thoughts,emotions, in which I acted like a sorry bitch. I abandoned my babies,my priorities, and entire time to work on getting my life right. I’ve done many things I vowed to never do. I’ve disrespected myself and my family and those I truly loved. Embarrassed about all the dirty shit I did,I couldn’t keep it real with any other people’s especially myself. I’m thankful for most I went through, it was not the best way of becoming aware of what I was or appeared to be to everyone else. It has taught me so much about myself and my surroundings and how I expected so much but didn’t give not even20% on many levels. I’m no longer holding any grudges or seeking to pay anyone back negatively for how I was done. I’m ready to move forward and not look back on my past life style and all that was created , valued,and believed in. I believe and faithfully know I have true purpose for life and for all eternity. To give to the Lord Jesus, my heart, my kids and the rest of the world. Lord Jesus knows that in many ways I don’t deserve it. But he’s my life force and my heart desires to be all and more than he asks for. So with fear and doubt no longer holding me back from reality and my heart desires of submitting myself to my Lord Jesus Christ,serving and living according to his words. I believe and faithfully know he’s all I need.
I KNOW I’ve been “hiding” most of my life. I’ve gotten very good at wearing masks of being soft, quiet, gentle with those around me. Generally being “NICE”.
I feel I am hiding a “self” that is quite wild and crazy. Also a feeling of being VERY BIG! I’ve listened to self talk for many years, that says, be careful how much you reveal as you will either frighten people or hurt them somehow….
Its not safe to be SEEN FULLY HERE!
Thank you Elma for these wonderful invitations to shift these realities for good!!
Moving forward through life
Fear of even being aware n admitting my deepest fear ..makes me take each step so tentaluvely n unease so sometimes do the ostrich ( it doesnt exist i cant see it) , sometimes the modified cha cha ( 1 forward 2 back and sometimes the crazy elephant ..just chaaaarge ..we ll figure out later direction we took as else loose nerve! Silly silly lovable me .. I still love you..i m scared n u r scared , but i still want to learn to dance joyfully with uuuuuuuuu… lots xoxo
Well, this isn’t a closeted issue but just like a lot of people here, I’ve had a variety of abuses as a child, then as an adult, manipulation/bullying by a crazy ex-boss that no one saw coming, not even me…… So I’m stuck in a job that makes me literally want to vomit on a daily basis now. I was trying to convince myself to squeeze into the job, but it just isn’t for me! And I have no idea who I am anymore or what to do next, and I’m honestly so tired of thinking about it! I feel trapped and helpless and exhausted. And there’s this part of me that desperately wants to keep searching, even though I know I’ve exhausted all options and there is nothing left to do but surrender. Because I can’t even hear/see/feel my intuition anymore in all of this anxiety I’m putting on myself.
So my issue is that I don’t know how to surrender. It’s a control thing, and it clearly hasn’t worked in my life lately, so what am I even doing? Even as I write this, it sounds hilarious to me……we control and fight because of fear, and it is that same control and fighting that keeps us locked up in fear because it doesn’t do anything helpful! Oh, the irony!
Thanks, Elma. I love your work!
Sexual Abuse! I was sexually abused between the ages of 3 and 9 by a number of males. I have also been molested as an adult and faced sexual harassment , too. This is something I have never told anyone about Mentioned it in passing to a counselor here and a therapist there; but never the full story. It is my dark, dark secret. I would like to be completely healed, whole and complete Now!
Thank you for helping us out with our problems. My problem is I am confused about my identity. Should I stay in or should I leave? confusion, fears of errors. Hope to get help from you. God Bless you.
Hi Elma, I will be having surgery and am afraid that I won’t make it through it due to being in a high risk category. I am so afraid of dying. I have nightmares of a very deep dark universe with a huge black door spinning towards me. I have had this recurring dream now for 20 some years.
I meditate and pray along with Reiki treatments but no success. Can you help me? And thank you so much. Pat
Hi Elma,I also typed, then deleted, my post. It didn’t feel good to get it all out there, but there it was, in all its naked truth, similar to a few of the earlier posts above, only longer. Condensed down, I hide my light as I’m afraid of being attacked, used, or ridiculed. Thanks for providing this healing space for us!
I have been emotionally abused a lot in the past and working out a sort of healing crises and spiritual initiation…. i feel my path became limited and disempowered somehow by these patterns …of finding it difficult to fully stand on my own feet financially. I have felt guilty for depending on people, sometimes worrying that i’m using people?… part of me worries that i am just making excuses, i’m being lazy or that i really brought the abuse and problems upon myself by not getting a job and conforming to the materialistic lifestyle and instead doing my spiritual stuff.
Hi, Elma. This is my follow-up after having typed in, but then deleted before submitting, my Don’t Ask Don’t Tell a few weeks ago: This “big confession” that I didn’t want to articulate even anonymously up to then, now seems so minor. The issue has totally lost its boogeyman-hold over me, partly because the idea itself no longer seems like such a huge deal, but MOSTLY because, like magic, poof! the issue has in fact DISAPPEARED. Coincidentally(?), shortly after my (unpublished) unloading here, I met someone new, very unexpectedly — as if the Universe had gone out of its way to arrange it. This turned out to be a person with whom I, surprisingly, found myself willing to share my “pathetic secret”… but then didn’t have to, because the issue corrected itself. Yes, Elma, this heretofore unacceptable reality of my life has faded away to a vague memory. Sweet! So the exercise did work even though I did it all internally. Thank you for yet another of the many miracles that have come my way since I began working with you!!!!
Hi, I am afraid to fully connect with source consciously and received my guidiance. I feel that I am a fraud and not worthy of success and financial abundance. Therefore I am continually self sabotaging myself or procrastinating. I need assistance to shift these limiting beliefs and to channel source please. Thank you.
I have fairly recently quit a job I hated and been enjoying the freedom of having no work to go to every day. I feel pretty good about it actually. However the thing that does bother me is the fact that I have a limited savings of money to support myself. I know I can create work that I love to do, that I am good at, and that fully supports me financially. I just would like more concrete experiences to reflect that idea. Something clear that lets me know I am on the right track and that more money is on the way to me.
I recently have been laid off from work where I felt abused my coworkers but it was a paycheck. I am a single parent with two kids who are still in school. I can’t seem to find a job that pays what I was earning. Now it seems that I would have to work two jobs just to make close to what I made so I am not to happy to leave my children as if they are growing up without a mother like I did. I am very scared of having to move because I have nowhere to move to (not even with family) especially if I don’t get a job and make money. I want to be able to get a better job where I am happy and able to support my two kids who need me. Outside energies always seem to dictate my life and it seems that it is never for my good. I have always felt as if I have to fight opposing energies which constantly knock me down and have killed my self esteem. I want to finally stand up on my own two feet and have a secure and stable life especially so my children can grow up feeling and being stable in their lives. I appreciate the support this site has made. Thank you for the good energy!
For the last year I have been trying to figure out a plan for my life. A way to express my gifts to the world in a manner that supports the unfoldment of the New Earth.
I have had such a difficult time deciding where to move, what work to create, aligned relationships etc.
It feels like a pattern that loops around and around and I cannot seem to rise above it. I have such incredible vision for others but cannot see for myself.
Today I have felt such an incredible fear that I am wasting time and missing the train (so to speak).
Thank you for being here and for helping so much.
In Loving Truth.
Bloggers above thank you for your sharing. I am inspired to write my “Don’t ask, don’t tell” which is around the way I am around “looking good.” I have a leak in the roof in my office at home, and I don’t want to call someone in to repair because I don’t want them to see that the room is not organized and has bare walls which were prepped to wallpaper 19 years ago when we built the house but haven’t’ done so. The not getting around to do something and then not feeling good about not doing it really, really gets in the way of me being present in my life right now.
I seem to perpetually be on the cusp between girl and woman, between ultra responsible in some ways and completely not in others. I am so wise and simultaneously don’t have it together. Others lean on me and yet i need others too much. I don’t seem to want to/be able to make that final step into ‘maturity’ or in any case, maturity as i see it, making myself vulnerable each time by not sleeping and not making enough money and not and not and not….and simultaneously having sooo much to celebrate in my life. It’s a strange dichotomy that I am living and i am putting it out there that NOW is the time to make the final shift and align this to wholeness. Blessings for this opportunity Elma! x
Social phobia! That’s the problem – to do with a difficult childhood. Any solutions? Though much reduced now, would be greatly obliged, of course, if finally resolved fully.
I’ve got that I’m a fraud kinda thing going too. It actually make me afraid to work on people sometimes. I have multiple healing modalities I’ve studied for years. I’d really like to change this asap. It’s getting in my way of earning a living.
ISSUE: I don’t trust that I know what I know.
I am training to be a professional historian, and I don’t trust my memory, that I have a decent memory, or that I am really retaining what I learn. What may happen is that I may not be “very good” at what I love, perhaps just average. When I forget things that I have learned, or when I can’t recall details and generalities when I would like, I feel like I have no grasp on my knowledge, and that my knowledge is slipping away from me. I feel limited by the abundance that I have learned, not empowered by it.
I’m the opposite of Jeanne above. I just want to “be”. At the age 45 I was given the opportunity to go back to college and lucky enough to be sponsored for my living expenses and 1/2 of a very hefty tuition. I finished all the “fun” courses now still have 10 months of torture ahead of me. I hate it with a passion and cry in every class. I consider myself a smart person but even with tutoring I just don’t understand it – nor do I want to. I’ve never been so stressed in my life. However, if I drop out without receiving a diploma I will have to pay back every cent and will be in total debt to the tune of $100,000!!
Right now if my support was cut off I’d be homeless. I’ve been a single mom for 18 years and recently became an empty nester. Now I just want to “be” – do nothing, no expectations, no more financial hardship, leave school. I’m very grateful for the financial support I’m receiving but right now the price (my sanity) is just too high. I “want” to be dependent – I’ve carried the weight of responsibility long enough and all on my own. I just want to be taken care of and do nothing!
Hi, For me it is showing myself as I am, because I think I’m not enough as I am. I’m not sure I know who I am. It’s fear of meeting me and not liking what I see. It’s time when I think I’ve met myself, but feeling rejected by others because I’m not what they think I should be. Thank you
I have suffered many traumas that I don’t want to tell or be asked about. I think about them, and I want SOMEBODY to understand what I’ve been through- at the hands of people that look “innocent” to everyone else.
I am ashamed I can not show financial stability, let alone abundance. I feel trapped in my own life, unable to fully care for my children and myself. I fear being homeless. I fear their dad will take them away because he makes a lot of money and owns a nice home. If I have to declare my income for any purpose, I am very embarrassed. I am very independent but feel completely at a loss with myself regarding money, mostly brining in income from work that I love. I love my work it just does not return the flow of abundance to me and my family.
Well, Elma, you said to type it in. You didn’t say we had to submit it. So I typed it in, boldly and blatantly. That was an interesting experience in itself. After getting the hard truth out and seeing it in print, I waited to see whether the sky would then fall or the ground open up under me. Nothing like that happened. Just a brief gimpse of something exiting out of a mysterious, dark doorway in the corner of my eye — something slipping discretely out the back entrance because it realized it no longer had a place where it had been inhabiting up to now… Then, obviously not ready to share, I deleted what I had written. So, will it still work? Well, Elma, we’ll see how it goes. I’ll get back to you in a few days.
God bless you, Elma! For everything you do!
Whenever I read your newsletters I feel better, with more courage, with more trust in myself and in life itself. Because I lack trust in better times under all aspects – financial, health, state of mind…
Thank you !
Hi,
Although I feel “reasonably ok” with where I am in life (I have a lot of very nice things and experiences right now), I really squelsh the answers to “What do I want?” I feel almost “panic” when I ask and immediately “forget” everything. And then I feel like I’m blocking my “incredable” life from unfolding.
PS I just found your site; thank you!
I felt the shift. You are an awesome person Elma! Thank you!
Thank you for this topic, Elma, and for bringing to light what was in your spiritual closet. It give me the inspiration to join in, so here goes:
I am not able to answer to people who ask “What do you do?” I feel I don’t “do” anything I can put into words and am very ashamed of that. No children, no job, no profession. Just a human being doing the best I can on the spiritual path to wholeness & healing, to reeling in projections and letting go of judgments, but even so, I have no shingle to hang on my wall to say: “This is who I am.” I feel very unaccomplished creatively (don’t play an instrument, know how make art and ashamed of that. I feel stuck in not knowing where to start.
I’m willing to be whatever I’m here to be, but there I go again! I just said “Be”. I just don’t know how to “do”.
Hello,
My problem is this great aloneness and shying away from other people, even from friends. I have had a lot of fear and distrust towards other people since birth on (20-years of age now), but for some reasons I am not dealing with these issues as much as I could & would need to.
So I’d definitely appreciate any help you can give me regarding these issues.
Thank you very much!
Hi, I don’t think I have intuition ( or atleast I don’t think that I can hear it) which causes me to have fear of constantly being wrong and feeling as a failure. Whatever I do hear seems to be telling me that I am wrong! I need light and help on that! Thank You!